Breakdown

I had a mental breakdown this morning. Woke up and cry a lot..

Among the problem is?

I am not straight.. there.. i said it.. it's no big news.. i know it's wrong and i am afraid of the retribution of hellfire.. i am trying to avoid commiting sins.. i do make that effort.. i observe contact prayers to be closer to God

It is indeed hard when my fellow family members keep asking me whether i have a girlfriend.. do i have plans for settling down..

I cannot even get aroused.. i respected women so much.. i won't objectify them in any way.. it felt wrong..

Being in this shameful state.. many people will say.. it is a choice.. i call it bullshit.. i know i am different since i was 3 yrs old.. so i call it a mental defect..

It's hard.. all my peers are getting married.. have kids.. and me? I am stuck in this sticky situation..

I am lonely.. even worse.. i am lonely in this noisy crowd.. i need someone.. somebody.. to walk side by side.. so i can pour my soul and that person can pour his or her soul unto me..

Notice i have to always state he or she.. i am messed up.. a messed up creation..

Everybody is having a stable job.. for the sake of their love ones.. to feed those little mouths at home.. to grow a family..

Me?

Who do i fight for?

I am having a sucky career.. trying to make things end.. trying to teach uninspired kids to learn music.. got a scholarship to continue masters.. but my violin playing is shitty.. after 9 years of learning.. and i am still having pesky problems..So i cannot find any school.. any music school.. due to my sucky playing..

If i cannot find a significant other.. at least be happy with my career and achievement.. but see? It is bad.. i am in my corrective period.. need to retrain certain violin techniques.. at the age of 25? Where i supposed to kand a job and start living?

In front of my friends.. i am the happy ones.. a lot of them turn to me for good advice and good friends to talk to.. but i give advices that i cannot take.. i can help people.. but i cannot help myself.. and most people don't really understand my pain..

In front of my family.. i have to cover a lot of myself.. being with them reminds me how a loser i am.. how stupid i am.. my inability is their burden.. heck.. i don't know whether i can even reproduce..

Mak ayah.. i am really sorry.. i had failed both of you.. i can't even be stable.. give you grandkids.. be proud for having offsprings.. to continue your legacy anak mak and ayah ni cacat.. dia tak mintak nak jadi camni.. dia tak mintak nak ada masalah ni.. dia takut nak cakap.. dia takut kalau dia cakap.. dia kena tolak.. sudahla kat dunia ni tak ramai yg faham dia.. dia tak sanggup nak tengok muka mak ayah dia kecewa.. dia rela mati dari tengok muka mak ayah dia kecewa.. dia sayang sangat mak and ayah..

Myself.. i am sorry.. aku tak sangka aku dah letak diri aku ke takuk yang paling bawah dalam kehidupan.. dulunya aku pandang tinggi org umur 25.. and sekarang aku 25.. tapi langsung tak boleh bertapak.. aku minta maaf..

My friends.. aku minta maaf.. aku jarang nak share.. aku jarang nak betul2 luahkan.. aku faham niat korang nak memahami.. i appreciate the thought and concern.. tapi bila aku nampak mata simpati tu.. a lot of me died inside as well..

Now the future looks so blurry.. aku tak tahu.. tak nampak jalan.. loneliness can kill you from the inside..

Sometimes i just want to dissapear.. kalau aku ikut hati.. dibakar neraka.. aku ikut iman.. walaupun tenang.. tapi sunyi dan sepi.. kalau aku mencari wanita.. aku tak mampu memberi dan meletakkan dirinya di dalam darjat cinta yang tinggi..

Kiri kanan sama ja.. mangsanya aku.. aku dah penat.. penat.. penat untuk aku rasa alive bila bersembang.. bergossip.. bila tirai pentas dilabuhkan aku tetap seorang..

My stories are generally heard.. not listened..

And right now.. i had lost my appetite in life.. being sleeping a lot.. and i had low energy and trouble to even get by my daily life..