nudity of thy sanity

Ok... I'm not supposed to actually converse about is... Ok fine..! I'm lonely

Yah!! I AM LONELY!!

I had never been in love since I was like uh... A year old?

Truth be told I need love.. I want to feel love.. But sometimes maybe it's just not for me.. Maybe I wasn't born to feel love.. (Maybe, just maybe.. Currently I am still trying to sleep and this remorseful feeling just surge over me without any reasons)

Ok, it's hard for me to be in love...

Why??

Because I had problems (ahem!) In my orientation, in other words.. I'm swinging back and forth! Sometimes I swing to the norm... Sometimes I swing out of the norm.. But mostly out of the norm...

Yah! I said it.. Hell I'm not proud of it.. And it aint easy dealing with that.. There's no switch in me that can change me...

They said that god created humans in pair.. I guess my pair are ceased to exist.. (Maybe for now..) or maybe she was hear somewhere.. 6th feet under (jokin)

But if I found my pair.. Will I'm being able to love her..? Meaning.. Love her fully without ever crossing to the other side?? Damn.. My life is full with uncertainties...

For now.. The reason I wake up in the next day is because my loving family, my extremely dear friends, my studies and my passion: music..

But love?? I actually felt the void inside me.. Shit!! Sometimes I do cry because of this.. Its hard living a dual life like this... Sometimes I like him.. sometimes I like her.. And it is never resolved to only one side (and I do hope it resolve to the norm side)

I tried relationship (the out of the norm) but I break it off before we even meet.. Because I'm feeling that I'm insulting my religion.. I'm afraid that if I do that.. I'll be drift further away from God..

God help me please.. I had never spill this to anyone.. Not this details... But now I am losing the battle to be calm and fun always.. Because deep inside me its hurting like hell..

I envy to those that experience love.. But no not bad envy somehow I felt happy for them

Maybe I was born not to feel love?
Maybe marriage although how good it may seems.. Were not meant for me?

If I were born not having this problem..

I will always treat her with respect
Always cheer her when she is down...
Always be with her wherever she wants to go
Always be her perfect companion
Her smile will be the drug to my very body
I want to grow old with her
I want someday when we are old.. We looked back to the past and remembering the good times..
I want to feel whenever I come back home.. There is someone that I can comeback home to..
I want to protect her, her insecurity will be my poison
And when she cry.. I will comfort her..

Specially dedicated to my pair.. (Although I do not know whether we can still meet.. Or married)
But yeah.. If only.. I don't know why.. I'm crying while I'm writing this.. It's like I'm saying goodbye to a special someone...

Whenever you see someone smiles.. Always remember.. That the heart can cry but shed no tears... And you will never see my heart shed any tears.. But it is crying really badly...

Sincerely
Me